I did worse than I ever feared

Score in moments ago: 147

I guess I, in fact, will be attending the Florida Academy for Future Psychics and Lawyers. They churn out mostly psychics, but they churn out a few, ahem, lawyers, too.

No doubt about it. I'll be taking the LSAT again in December.

So, so tired

Yesterday's fund-raiser for America's Second Harvest of the Big Bend went off without more than a couple of hitches, a wondrous fact considering it was a first annual event.

My friend and former employer, Denise, and her employees worked for months to put on this fund-raiser, one held in the downtown park that included musical acts, poetry and literature readings and an experimental theatre piece about hunger. Hundreds of local schoolchildren crafted bowls out of yarn, clay and paper mache for the event. The empty bowls were displayed on rows of tables containing facts about hunger. A silent auction included artwork created by local artists and donated to the cause, and local eateries donated all kinds of yummy soups and breads for the people who showed up. The attendance wasn't stellar though the event had been promoted on the radio and in the newspaper, but it made the food bank some good money and laid the groundwork for similar events in the coming years.

I got there at 3 p.m. and stayed to help pack everything in the trucks after the event. My biggest job was to hang out at the table that held flyers about hunger and the food bank and one of the band's CDs that were on sale. There were about a trillion volunteers - school kids from the various Tallahassee schools - on hand to man tables, put up and take down tents and tables and pack and unpack the bowls and works of art. It was amazing to see just how much work and coordination it took to pull off such an event, and I was sad that I didn't work there anymore and couldn't have been responsible for helping the event come to fruition. That's probably why I worked so hard after the event to take down tents and load trucks, my knees stiff and hurting by the time the evening was over.

Afterward, I went with Denise and her husband, a board member and a couple of employees and friends to dinner. I didn't get home until 11 p.m., but I had a great time. The board member was a cute and single CPA who was funny and nice, too. I put in a word with Denise, and she has promised to have us both over to dinner at her house and perhaps feel out the situation with said board member.

At home, I have thrown every pencil I own into a drawer and hidden all papers and other items that remind me of the LSAT. I have been battling a desire to write to the LSAC - the people who administer the LSAT - and request that my test never be scored. I can do that, you know. I still haven't made a final decision (I still have seven more days to make up my mind) but if I decide to have the test scored, I will have the results by October 23.

Now, I am facing the task of writing a personal statement for my applications. Two people have yet to write and mail the recommendation letters they promised, so I will have to get on them (in a nice way!) as well. For the next week, though, I think all I'm going to do is sleep, read for pleasure and try to have a little fun.

Somebody, please kill me

At 8:15, I was sitting in my seat in a lecture hall at the FSU law school. By 1:30, the test was done. I know for certain that I completely flubbed the writing portion of the test, but I'm not sure how I did on the rest. The writing portion isn't scored, but it's send to all the law schools to which one applies. If two candidates are close in every other regard, writing samples are perused.

Considering my head is throbbing and that it was practically spinning by the time I left the testing site, I definitely wouldn't look forward to ever taking it again.

What I need right now is a four-hour nap. Instead, I am leaving right now to do some volunteer work for a friend and former boss who needs my help at an event to raise money for the hungry.

Yawn! I'll be sleeping good tonight.

Down to the wire

It is 9:45 p.m. the night before the LSAT. I took two more practice tests today (scored 157 and 159 on them) and went to the FSU law school to see exactly where the test is being held tomorrow morning. My alarm clock is set for 6:55 a.m. so I have time to do a few practice questions in the morning (as advised by more than one source) and go over the outline of what makes a good writing sample.

I've got six sharpened pencils, a huge candy bar (a gift from a coworker for test day), a non-noise-making clock, a huge eraser, a pencil sharpener and the form I need to get into the exam all ready and waiting for tomorrow morning. I dyed my hair today so I could be freshly funky and punky for the exam, and I did my laundry today so I'll at least have clean underwear. I'm excited, and, strangely, not too terribly nervous - probably due to the hours and hours of preparatory work I put into this process.

Whatever score I get is the score I get. I'm prepared as much as I can be. That's all I can do. Why sweat the things that can't be changed. I think that's my prescription talking, folks, because it sure isn't me.

Thanks to everyone who wished me luck for the test. It means a lot.

I'm still alive

The LSAT is in a few days. I'm taking Friday off for some last last minute reviewing and relaxation. These days, I've been doing nothing but taking full-length sample tests. Consistently, I have been scoring in the upper 150s - which is just the better side of AVERAGE.

AVERAGE? Who wants to be AVERAGE? AVERAGE won't get me into UM Ann Arbor. AVERAGE won't get me a scholarship. AVERAGE won't have anyone clamoring to accept me. WTF? I really expected better out of myself and will likely vomit every morning until the day of the test just like I did this morning. No food. Just burning liquid from the stomach. Yum. My favorite.

I hate feeling like the last month has been a waste, but I wonder how I would be doing on the practice tests had I not studied so much. I had a minor breakthrough with a certain type of question last week that is allowing me to answer more of that type of question correctly and am hoping I have a similar breakthrough somewhere else in the next couple of days. I tried out the June 2006 LSAT and found that the reading comprehension portion was harder than I had previously encountered. I also found that logical reasoning questions on the actual tests are easier than any I had encountered while studying.

Wish me luck.

The life of a nonprofessional catsitter

I am catsitting for the same people for whom I housesat and dogsat a couple of months ago. I go to their house every other day and refill the large feeding dishes, freshen the water bowls and empty the kitty litter box. I've already done my laundry there and scoured the fridge for something good to eat (to no avail) so I just get in and get out. No hanging around. Especially considering that one of the two cats just sits by the door when I'm there meowing and being all pissy because he's not allowed outside while my friends are gone. And cat shit? It stinks!

On the LSAT: Studying is going slowly and horribly. On two of the three types of questions that will be on the test, I consistently miss 1/3 of the questions on practice tests. I routinely answer the third type of question correctly only 1/3 of the time. I did fine when I was on a beginner book, but now I'm on more advanced books with questions that have a difficulty mirroring questions actually found on the test. The test is in two weeks. So far, I'm up the river with only 1/2 a paddle.

Losing steam

Here I am. I went to Clearwater this past week and ended up staying there until Monday visiting with my brother. It either rained or was ungodly hot the entire time I was down there, so we just went to the movies, went geocaching for a few hours Sunday and played putt putt golf with my brother's wife and friends. I was the big loser of the game because my brother wouldn't let me cheat, but at least there was an alligator pond out front and people could feed the gators hot dogs using poles and strings ending with clips. Uh oh! Hot dog!

Faithful MAD TV viewers get the hot dog reference. Those of you who don't watch or have access to that show, don't despair. It's not THAT funny.

We didn't want to pay for the hot dogs and poles, so we fed the alligators ants instead. Little known fact: Alligators love to chew on live ants.

My brother and I went to see World Trade Center. It pretty much sucked except I didn't know only 20 live people were pulled from the ruins. I highly don't recommend the film.

Other than that, I've got nothing to say. Nothing funny. Nothing witty. Nothing sad. Nothing horrifying. Nothing stupendous. Nothing revealing. Nothing excrutiating. Nothing sexy. Nothing maddening.

I'm pretty even these days. Still studying for the LSAT. Still getting things together for law school applications. Way, way tired of all the old dramas, it seems I'm a bit boring these days. And not at all inventive. Or manic. Or fabulously interesting. Or hardly so, anyway.

Law school update

With a little less than five weeks until the LSAT, I have plenty of studying to do. I got a lot done last week, but my steam petered out this week. Instead of studying, I spent my time adding a couch to my office and rearranging the rest of the furniture there to make room for it; reading other books (excuse: These will be due soon, so I better get them out of the way); hanging out with Michael; and sleeping. The Princeton Review advanced logic skills guide is kicking my ass, and I'm worried that I won't do well on the actual test. On the upside, my book of 10 previous REAL LSAT tests arrived as well as an addition one: the actual June 2006 LSAT just administered - along with the correct answers. I haven't looked it over yet, though, because I wanted to learn more before I tackle the real thing. I also don't want to get thoroughly discouraged until the week directly before the exam. That way, I can spend my last week crying and wishing for death, wetting my bed and drinking lots of alcohol to get my mind off my impending doom.

On the upside, here is a list of things I HAVE accomplished:

Transcripts: FSU and St. Petersburg College - check

Recommendation letters: Three of my four recommenders have copies of my resume and a three-page essay on what makes a good law school recommendation letter. The fourth recommender will hopefully receive the packet this weekend. All have or will be given a directive to have the letter completed and mailed by mid to late October.

Criminal/driving record check: I paid $10 to get a copy of my traffic infractions e-mailed to me and checked the public records in Leon and Pinellas counties to see how many traffic tickets I've had. I checked to see how much the tickets were so I can classify them as "major" or "minor." Only "major" ones have to be disclosed, but every school has a different definition for "major." I also looked into getting my criminal record sealed or expunged. I won't go into the fight I had with my dad when he INSISTED on taking care of this by TELLING me he would have his lawyer buddy look into it and then come back with a bunch of noninformation that didn't help me at all. All I'll say is that - after I found out how worthless my father's help would be - I made two phone calls and found out everything I needed to know. A few days ago, I mailed my check for $1.50 to the Pinellas County clerk of the court to get an official copy of the disposition mailed to me and ordered an application from the FDLE to get my record sealed. Since a ruling was made on the case (adjudication withheld), I can't get my record expunged until it has been sealed for at least 10 years. ARGH! I'm hoping that an admittance of all my misdeeds on my applications won't hurt me too badly. After all, I'm sure most people have SOME kind of blemish on their records.

Picking out law schools: UM, Ann Arbor, is still my top pick, but I've also been researching other schools. UT, Austin, is my second pick. I've also been looking at American University and schools in Wisconsin, Chicago and Boston. It all depends on my LSAT.

Personal statement: I also need to come up with a personal statement. Tricky. Some schools require it to be two pages long, some require up to four pages - double spaced. It can be about anything, but it needs to be original. I've read that it shouldn't be some dried-up old "why I want to go to law school" screed. But the ones I've read on line (examples of GOOD ones, supposedly) are all about why the people wanted to go to law school. DOUBLE ARGH!

I'll keep pecking away at it.

So that's my update for now. I'm going out of town next weekend to visit an old friend who lives in Denmark now. He'll be in town for a business conference, and I'll be spending next Thursday night with him. Then, I'll spend the rest of the weekend and possibly Monday with my brother. My parents will be out of town. Darn. I won't be seeing them.

LSAT progress

On Sunday, I bought two LSAT guides. I'm done with the learning portion of the Kaplan guide, but I have yet to take the three practice tests at the end of the book. I still need to go through my LSAT for Dummies book as well, and I ordered a copy of the June 2006 LSAT and a book of 10 previous LSATs from the Law School Admission Council (LSAC). All the tests come with an answer key and explanations of the answers.

I spend a big chunk of time each day studying for the LSAT. I still need to pick the schools to which I'd like to apply, though. Michigan, Florida State and the University of Florida are the only three I have decided on so far. I guess I'd like to see what kind of LSAT score I get before I make a final decision. I'm planning on applying to about a dozen schools.

Also on my mind: a personal statement and recommendation letters. I will be needing four letters to go along with my applications. My boss from the Oregonian has agreed to write one for me. Getting people for the other three won't be a problem.

I understand the need for confidentiality as far as the letters are concerned. If the applicant has a chance to read the letters, there is a greater chance the letter writer would be less than 100 percent honest in his or her evaluation of the candidate. I get it. But it's more than a little scary to mail a form to someone in Oregon knowing she can write whatever she wants about me before sending the letter directly to people who will be deciding my future. That's trust.

LSAT = September 30

I signed up today. I have six weeks to study. The Kaplan LSAT guide and LSAT for Dummies better come through for me.

UM Ann Arbor and other odd ramblings

My recent other cockeyed plans have fallen apart after just one of two days of mulling, but this law school plan is becoming more concrete every second I think about it. The more I chew on the idea, the more I feel that taking this step would be taking the next step toward my destiny, that this was always meant to be my purpose, the reason I was born. I've tearfully asked myself that question many times in the face of lifelong rejection by my family. I've allowed my own deep well of pity to overflow and engulf me. Why was I ever born, anyway? I'm pretty sure that's the question that has plagued me most throughout my 34 years of being me.

I grew up learning about men's superiority to women, and, as a result, I grew up hating women and denying my own femaleness (what does that mean, anyway?) in an effort to be a second son to my father. I have always prided myself on my "masculinity", and it has taken me a lifetime to realize that my strongest traits need not be categorized as such. Why can't being "female" include being strong, intelligent, fearless? When I was a kid, it was unthinkable, so I played rough and tumble with my brother and his friends. I didn't cry - or, at least, I didn't let anyone SEE me cry. The thought of wearing skirts or dresses repulsed me. Instead, I wore faded corduroy pants handed down from my brother. I played in the bay when the tide went out, walking barefoot on painfully shelly sand bars, messing with fiddler and horseshoe crabs. I dug in Dumpsters with my brother, spent my spare time playing basketball, football, running and roller skating. To be "male" was good, I learned both covertly and overtly. To be "female" was to be inferior.

I also learned about racism from an early age. It was nothing to hear the word "nigger" being bandied about at family functions and to hear all kinds of racist and sexist jokes being openly told among family members to rounds of laughter I was too young to understand. As I grew older, I began to understand these jokes, and, while I don't remember ever laughing along with the rest of them, I distinctly remember not disagreeing or even actively thinking the jokes - and the beliefs behind them - were necessarily wrong or untrue. If someone rewound the tape of my life and I saw myself smiling or laughing then, it wouldn't surprise or shock me. It would, however, reinforce my horror at the destructive cycles families repeat over and over and over.

The United States is superior. Americans are superior. This is also something I grew up to believe. Of course I can see these beliefs don't originate with my family. They originate with the culture. In so many subtle and not-so-subtle ways, Americans are taught from the time they are born that their way of thinking is the right way, the good way, and that the rest of the world falls short in terms of how to run a society, how to conduct business, how to exist as individuals. Americans are very good at making fun of anything that is different. Of categorizing "different" as "inferior." Of having a "my way or the highway" attitude. And we back it up with firepower and brute force. To me, that is the first sign of just how inferior we really are.

If you start talking about God and Jesus in front of me, I instinctively tune out as urgently as if my life depended on it. Organized religion scares me simply because so many people I have known (and been related to) have used religion as a crutch for unspeakable thoughts, viewpoints and deeds. Hypocrites, most of them. I'd rather see them in coffins, dead, than hear one more word from any of them. Though I don't subscribe to any kind of organized religion, I still feel that everyone has some kind of purpose on this planet and that our jobs are to figure out what that purpose is and to spend the rest of our lives fulfilling it. I've always thought - and have told others - that I feel my purpose is to help others, even at my own expense. Always, always. Even from the age of 10 I have been sticking up for the underdog and have been shunned and mocked as a result. It seems most people like to side with the winning team and that, for them, loyalty is something that can be taken away as easily and quickly as it is given.

I've always wanted to change the world, and law school might be the way to do that - or at least try. My whole life I have told those around me that I can't stand how things are, how power is distributed, how so many people are treated as second-class citizens, how the white male wields all the power and uses it in ways that horrify me. As a result, I am not interested in specializing in environmental law, corporate law, international law or intellectual property law. Public interest - civil rights - law is the only kind of law that draws my attention, and the University of Michigan Ann Arbor - ranked at number nine in the country for law schools - apparently has a very good public interest law program. My undergrad GPA is a smidge below the school's median range, and a lot of where I go will depend on my LSAT score, but UM Ann Arbor is my top choice right now. The tuition is steep. Classes alone cost $35,000 a year, the same as Harvard Law School. If I go there, I will have to get some kind of scholarship, and I'm hoping that my years as a journalist combined with my current job experience and my volunteer choices would make me a highly desirable candidate.

The school also has a kind of dual enrollment curriculum that would allow me to get a law degree AND a master's degree in a discipline of my choosing (sociology with a focus on gender) in four years - instead of three for the law degree alone.

So, here I go. I'm going to pursue this. First step: Buy an LSAT study guide and prepare myself for the test in December. Concurrently research other schools so I can apply to at least 10 of them when I get my score back. I'm not going to get my hopes up hugely high right now, though, because I'm going to have to forget the whole idea of law school if I do poorly on the this test.

Not ALL lawyers are bad, right?

I interviewed a lawyer about his experiences at law school. His memories go back 20 years, however, so I think I'm going to be interviewing some of the younger lawyers here as well. I'm pretty sure I've got it figured out. (big breath) I'm going to law school - if they'll have me.

For the past year I have known that I want to go back to school, but I haven't been sure if I want to go to law school (my first thought) or to get a graduate degree in public policy, sociology (focus on gender), or psychology. Considering my personality (huge ego mixed with self loathing, highly argumentative, inquisitive) and considering the things I value in this world (truth, justice, equality) it seems that a law degree (focus on civil rights) is the logical choice. Not that I'm all that logical. Oops. That can't be good!

Strange that I am who I think I am (all the good things in the world) yet I choose careers that most people revile. People hate reporters (someone made a cross sign at me once as if I were the devil), and people hate lawyers. I'm drawn to politics as well.

After my little vacation, I'll be buying an LSAT study guide and taking the test. Then, if I like my score, I'll shop it around to different law schools. I'll be needing a scholarship, so that will limit my choice of colleges. I hope all this works out. It seems that my experiences the past couple of years have been leading me right to this point.