maarmie's musings

Saturday, February 10, 2007


There's not enough maarmie left in this body to come to you as her, so, instead, I'll be coming to you as myself. But this won't be the first time, and it certainly won't be the last.

Writing this blog has been a strange experience for me. This maarmie character didn't turn out to be a character at all, even though, at times, I liked to think that's all she was. I wanted to think she was merely the voice of some fictional embittered woman, one who had grown tired of disappointments and was ready to strike back any way she could. One who, through having a voice on the Internet, could unburden herself by writing about bad bosses, bad people, bad men, bad public policy, bad situations, a bad world. One who was finally going to be able to get some power through that voice.

All along, maarmie has been me, a little pocket of my personality, thought patterns, fears and hopes that grew larger with every post. maarmie gained power through this blog, indeed, and she, in time, gained strength in me as a result. It wasn't fun, but I suppose it was cathartic. Perhaps it was a necessary stage for me after having gone through the shit I've gone through the last few years and throughout my life. But I've come to realize that, through my poor decisions, I played a larger role in what I went through than I care to admit. Because of my previous pathetic needs to please others and be liked at almost any cost, I put myself in and stayed in situations that were unhealthy for me, and, frankly, beneath me.

All that has changed. Perhaps I have maarmie to thank for it. She may have acted as my bridge to a better way of being.

Monday, February 05, 2007