maarmie's musings

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Nothing ever changes

The only reason I'm writing this is because my asshole friend Kevin keeps nagging me to write. I honesty don't know why he cares, but I want to get him off my back for awhile, so here it is.

It has been just more than eight years since I have moved to Scotland. In that time, it doesn't feel like I've done much except have a baby and work part time. It seems life is just drifting by while I stand still, barely complacent in my current situation and afraid to really change all that much about it.

My daughter turns eight in February. She is in P3 at a local primary school and is clearly quite bright, if largely lazy and unmotivated by anything other than a fear of TV or tablet time being taken away or coming in second place at anything. She is as competitive as she is her very own worst critic. She vacillates between exuding confidence bordering on arrogance and battling a crippling self consciousness she attempts to patch over with loud volume and awkward behaviour. She can be the most infuriating person I have ever met, but she is also one of the most generous and kind. She is bossy, but she is thoughtful. She is impetuous but insightful. She can see to the heart of everything. She is terribly flawed, but she is also a better person than I will ever be.

I know that it's time to develop a life for myself, that I can't just keep working part time at a shop and hoping things get better for me one day. My life right now looks like this:

7:30 - 8 am: Wake up
9:05: Leave the house to take E to school
9:30: Leave the school and head to work
10 - 2 pm: Work
2:10: Pick up a large skinny latte with sugar-free caramel from the local Costa
2:15 - 3: Run errands on the way to E's school
3: Pick up E from school

On Mondays, I take E to a Brownies meeting. Thursdays, she has guitar lessons. If E is spending the weekend at her father's house, I usually sit home alone. I sleep a lot and watch movies and eat. I spend too much time on Facebook. I don't have hardly any friends, and I've managed to make more enemies than friends since I have lived here.