maarmie's musings

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Brokecrap Mountain

I don't see what the big deal is about this film. I can see a consentual anal rape scene any day in my bedroom.

Seriously, just because a major motion picture has the cojones to show dudes spitting on their palms to lubricate anuses for fucking and engaging in passionate make-out sessions it won the Los Angeles Film Critics Association's award for best picture of 2005? I don't get it. Nothing about the film was exceptional - not even its subject matter. No, you don't often see a film about gay cowboys - the gay porn flick aptly titled "Bareback Riders" aside. But does that qualify it for top honors?

Friday, January 27, 2006

I'm OK. You're OK

I'm still not smoking, and it's been about a month. I guess I finally licked the habit again. Hopefully, this round will last longer than the 3.5 years I quit before.

Celexa has become my new best friend even though I can't really say I feel the effects of her yet. Right now, she's just someone I say "hi" to every morning. I'm waiting for her to say "hi" back and to give me a smile or a hug. In the meantime, I'm feeling better anyway.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Roe v. What?

My friend, Michael, showed up at my house last night to see if I wanted to go see a speaker at FSU: Sarah Weddington, the woman who, at age 26, successfully argued Roe v. Wade. He said he wouldn't have come to get me, but he didn't want to go alone. I instantly felt so grateful that he's one of my best friends.

Weddington is currently a Texas lawyer and a law professor at UT, Austin. She was eloquent, sincere and intelligent and had a great sense of humor. She spoke for about an hour about the landmark case that changed the world and interrupted her talk only once with a more than benign request that someone in the audience turn off his video camera - still photos only, please.

Roe v. Wade is 33 years old now, and pro-choice advocates around the country grow more fearful by the day about the future of this landmark case. Will Alito take the bench? Will the case be overturned? Will fucking, for women AND men alike, equal a willingness to reproduce?

Not long before Weddington argued Roe v. Wade, it was illegal for people, both married and unmarried, to use contraceptives of any kind, and abortion was legal only for women whose health or lives were on the line in pregnancy. This led to illegal and home abortions and the injury, sterilization and death of countless women. At issue here, says Weddington, is the right to privacy, the same right granted to married and unmarried people who wanted to use birth control - but legally couldn't - shortly before Roe v. Wade was debated among U.S. Supreme Court justices.

While the nation and individual states can regulate safety issues with regard to contraceptives, they can no longer regulate the legality of using them just as the government can regulate abortions but cannot currently deny them. If Roe v. Wade is ever overturned, said Weddington, there will be mass chaos.

Let's hope so.

Friday, January 13, 2006


No crying since Monday night. I start on Celexa today or tomorrow. Lexapro was what my therapist recommended, and I've read that it helps with both anxiety AND depression while Celexa appears to be good for depression only - a milder version of Lexapro. We'll see. My therapist said she wants me to take it for only a little while.

I had dinner at a friend's house last night. I really like being around him. He's sensitive and kind. I never feel bad around him, and I really feel like I can let down my guard and be myself around him. Of course, there's really no fear of rejection considering he's married but he is a good reminder of what I should be looking for in a mate and that age, height, weight, attractiveness, a great education and a fabulous job don't really mean much when you're deciding who you want to devote yourself to. It's what's inside that counts the most and how you feel when you're around the other person.

I need to keep this in mind the next time I'm stuck on some asshole.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


Ok. Because friends are asking, I'm offering a clarification to yesterday's post.

I don't really think it's this particular guy that I'm depressed about. I think it's this kind of hopelessness that has come over me in the past couple months that even though I found someone out there who's the right age range, height range, weight range and attractiveness range and who has a great education, a great job, remarkably similar interests and values (claimed values, anyway) and overwhelmingly shares the same outlook on nearly everything - even when all these are in place, the relationship didn't work out. Not only didn't it work out, but it all fell apart amazingly speedily. Like there wasn't a second to waste. And, like that, my hopes disintegrated.

If the problem doesn't lie with him, then it lies with me, and I consider myself to be a catch. I'm attractive (but I need to lose 20 pounds or so), funny, smart, educated, adventurous, spontaneous, curious, energetic, responsible, honest, loyal, caring, considerate, thoughtful, loving, affectionate and passionate. I'm an avid reader, and I have knowledge of a diverse range of music. I can talk about everything from politics to fashion, poverty to cooking - and everything in between. I think my biggest flaws are that I can tend to be extremely sensitive to criticism, and I get really anxious at the beginning of any relationship (attachment disorder). Am I so bad?

My way of thinking is that if a relationship won't work out with someone who seems so nearly perfect for me on paper, it won't work out with anyone. And I can't handle the thought of being alone forever.

Another thing that could be fueling my depression is the fact that I quit smoking. I found a Web site yesterday that says, once they quit smoking, depression worsens for people who normally experience a mild range of it. Apparently, the depression can last for a while and can meld into some kind of long-term funk. Another site said my insulin would go up as well. Good news considering my insulin count is very low.

I went to the gym last night and had a little one-on-one with a personal trainer. He measured my body fat percentage, and I found out that not only is my body fat a danger to me but it's also a danger to everyone in the immediate vicinity. Apparently, according to my body fat index, I am considered obese. That's funny. I don't feel obese. I guess the only place to go from here is up.

We went through the various weight machines I will be using: for my thighs, lower back, calves, chest, arms and abs. Time to get in shape.

I didn't cry yesterday, and I don't feel so bad today.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Morphine, Anyone?

I could sure go for a nice IV full of morphine right now. I remember how magical that clear liquid is and how it can make life at least bearable. I'm starting to not feel so sorry for Terri Schiavo and her 15 years of unconsciousness. It sounds pretty good right now.

I'm on week eight or so of depression, give or take a year. I got home around 5 last night and cried until I feel asleep at 11. I woke up wondering if I need to be hospitalized after another night filled with recurring dreams. When I talk on the phone to most people I know, I try to fool them into thinking I'm happy. I try to sound upbeat and pull out all the jokes. My closest friends know how I'm really doing, though, and people at work steer clear of my office because I always look on the verge of a breakdown.

I think the problem has to do with my lack of an acceptable job, one that pushes me to my potential, and with my lack of a nice boyfriend. I most recently dated this mentally and emotionally abusive (surprise, surprise) jerk who really enjoyed yelling at me, calling me names, being completely arrogant and selfish towards me, and hating me whenever I tried to be nice to him. The tragic thing is that HE rejected ME and ripped away my self esteem in the process yet he thinks that we can't have a relationship because I'M the one who's such a bad person.

He never wanted to talk about any of my issues with him (imagine!), and anytime I expressed displeasure over one of his mental cuts he would either laugh or gleefully tell me that I've probably never met anyone like him before. When I would let him know that I wouldn't even stay friends with him if he continued to act the way he did, he would just say "ok" and throw away my phone number or say "I'll talk to you soon" and leave me sitting there stunned at his callousness and complete disregard for reality.

Whenever there is such a conflict of reality, I tend to start doubting myself. Am I the monster? If I'm the bad one, why do I think he's so bad? Are we both bad, and we're projecting onto each other?

Or is he just a fucking immature reject of an asshole who never deserved one second of my time.

Monday, January 09, 2006

The Test

I put my bottle of water on the counter.

Clerk: Will that be all?

I nervously eye the rows of cigarettes behind her. Marlboros. On sale for $2.45 a pack!

Me: Uhhh....yeah.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

New Year, New Habits, New Job, New Body

I'm still depressed, but I am looking forward to the new year a little more now. I'm sure I'll be looking forward to it even more than I am now as soon as I get the prescription for Zoloft or Lexapro my therapist recommends.

A new job with the legislature came open that I'm planning on applying for. It would mean a much better job for 50 percent more money. The only problem is I'd be working for the Republicans and doing their bidding. Might not be so bad, though. The money would be great to pay off my debts and leave Florida.

Smoking: Day 3 of no smoking. That's how long I lasted last time I tried to quit. I have had three severe cravings so far in these past three days but nothing that would be enough to make me start again. I dreamt I was in a store last night. At the register, I picked up a pack of cigarettes and almost bought them. At the last second, I put them back. I think I'll make it this time.

New habit: the gym. When my back heals, I'm going to be joining the gym again. My goal is to get down to 150 pounds again to feel better about myself. Plus, I'm hoping the exercise will help release whatever chemicals will make me stop crying.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006


I'm starting off this new year sad and depressed and with a hurt back. This morning, I bent over to pick something up off the floor and, boom!, my lower back spasmed. I almost didn't come to work (I can barely walk!), but I'm here only because I couldn't stand another 24 hours in bed. I was severely depressed this weekend and didn't really leave my bed much, which has made me even more depressed.

Adding to my funk is that I quit smoking (again) yesterday. I cried on the way to work today. Nice way to start off the new year. My therapist will have a field day when I see her Wednesday and will, no doubt, want to start me on antidepressants in no time.