maarmie's musings

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


Ok. Because friends are asking, I'm offering a clarification to yesterday's post.

I don't really think it's this particular guy that I'm depressed about. I think it's this kind of hopelessness that has come over me in the past couple months that even though I found someone out there who's the right age range, height range, weight range and attractiveness range and who has a great education, a great job, remarkably similar interests and values (claimed values, anyway) and overwhelmingly shares the same outlook on nearly everything - even when all these are in place, the relationship didn't work out. Not only didn't it work out, but it all fell apart amazingly speedily. Like there wasn't a second to waste. And, like that, my hopes disintegrated.

If the problem doesn't lie with him, then it lies with me, and I consider myself to be a catch. I'm attractive (but I need to lose 20 pounds or so), funny, smart, educated, adventurous, spontaneous, curious, energetic, responsible, honest, loyal, caring, considerate, thoughtful, loving, affectionate and passionate. I'm an avid reader, and I have knowledge of a diverse range of music. I can talk about everything from politics to fashion, poverty to cooking - and everything in between. I think my biggest flaws are that I can tend to be extremely sensitive to criticism, and I get really anxious at the beginning of any relationship (attachment disorder). Am I so bad?

My way of thinking is that if a relationship won't work out with someone who seems so nearly perfect for me on paper, it won't work out with anyone. And I can't handle the thought of being alone forever.

Another thing that could be fueling my depression is the fact that I quit smoking. I found a Web site yesterday that says, once they quit smoking, depression worsens for people who normally experience a mild range of it. Apparently, the depression can last for a while and can meld into some kind of long-term funk. Another site said my insulin would go up as well. Good news considering my insulin count is very low.

I went to the gym last night and had a little one-on-one with a personal trainer. He measured my body fat percentage, and I found out that not only is my body fat a danger to me but it's also a danger to everyone in the immediate vicinity. Apparently, according to my body fat index, I am considered obese. That's funny. I don't feel obese. I guess the only place to go from here is up.

We went through the various weight machines I will be using: for my thighs, lower back, calves, chest, arms and abs. Time to get in shape.

I didn't cry yesterday, and I don't feel so bad today.

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