maarmie's musings

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Morphine, Anyone?

I could sure go for a nice IV full of morphine right now. I remember how magical that clear liquid is and how it can make life at least bearable. I'm starting to not feel so sorry for Terri Schiavo and her 15 years of unconsciousness. It sounds pretty good right now.

I'm on week eight or so of depression, give or take a year. I got home around 5 last night and cried until I feel asleep at 11. I woke up wondering if I need to be hospitalized after another night filled with recurring dreams. When I talk on the phone to most people I know, I try to fool them into thinking I'm happy. I try to sound upbeat and pull out all the jokes. My closest friends know how I'm really doing, though, and people at work steer clear of my office because I always look on the verge of a breakdown.

I think the problem has to do with my lack of an acceptable job, one that pushes me to my potential, and with my lack of a nice boyfriend. I most recently dated this mentally and emotionally abusive (surprise, surprise) jerk who really enjoyed yelling at me, calling me names, being completely arrogant and selfish towards me, and hating me whenever I tried to be nice to him. The tragic thing is that HE rejected ME and ripped away my self esteem in the process yet he thinks that we can't have a relationship because I'M the one who's such a bad person.

He never wanted to talk about any of my issues with him (imagine!), and anytime I expressed displeasure over one of his mental cuts he would either laugh or gleefully tell me that I've probably never met anyone like him before. When I would let him know that I wouldn't even stay friends with him if he continued to act the way he did, he would just say "ok" and throw away my phone number or say "I'll talk to you soon" and leave me sitting there stunned at his callousness and complete disregard for reality.

Whenever there is such a conflict of reality, I tend to start doubting myself. Am I the monster? If I'm the bad one, why do I think he's so bad? Are we both bad, and we're projecting onto each other?

Or is he just a fucking immature reject of an asshole who never deserved one second of my time.

2 comments:

Ellen said...

I hate to hear you're depressed, especially when it seemed you were doing so well last time we talked. I pray that you will one day realize it's NOT you...you're a wonderful person with a lot to offer the world! Once you realize that, you'll find someone who is worthy.

Take care of yourself,
Ellen :)

maarmie said...

Thank you for your care, Ellen, but I'm doing much, much better. My depression seems to have all but disappeared the last couple of days. I hope you are doing well, too.