maarmie's musings

Sunday, July 29, 2007

You can start a new life, but you can't erase the old

I just awoke from what feels like a long dream where I'm working at Wendy's again. I'm there, toasting buns and cooking bacon before the doors are opened. The other two people who helped me with the opening have taken a break and are eating in the dining room. I haven't taken a break, because there's too much to be done. I'm standing next to a new employee. He's this 16-year-old who's working the grill. I'm asking him why the bacon pans he's made are filled with grease. I tell him the bacon is supposed to be drained. He apologizes. He calls me ma'am. He's kissing my ass.

I am panning some bacon that's piled up on the grill. The buns I'm putting in the toasting machine are getting stuck and burned. At a lull, I go out to the dining room and let the other two women know that I haven't had a break. They say that's not right and tell me to go on break. The dream shifts.

Now I'm sitting on the curb in the parking lot of a local mall. An old Tallahassee friend who drifted into the Land of Lost Friends is there. She's smoking, something she never did in my waking life. We're talking, but I don't remember what we're saying. Small talk, most likely. Then, one of her friends comes up, and they start talking. The dream shifts.

I'm at the home of Schmutzie and The Palinode. It's weird, because they look nothing like I ever thought they would look (and I know roughly what they look like). She has dark hair straight to her shoulders and choppy bangs. He has a full head of light brown hair. They are hipsters, to be sure. And they have two kids. I am amazed at this, because, in all the time I've read their blogs, they've never mentioned kids. And in two weeks of staying at their house, I've never seen said kids. Finally, I spot a couple of family photos. The girl child looks just like a younger version of mom. The boy child, a younger version of dad. It's all very strange.

I wake up, and here's C* next to me. He's still sound asleep, and he should be. At 2 a.m., I woke up with him wandering around the apartment. He couldn't sleep.

C* goes home today, and I will be left here alone and pregnant and wondering when the fuck I'll ever see him again. I'm hoping to apply for my visa in two weeks (to start at the end of October), and I'm terrified that I'll be rejected. Then what? I don't want to have a baby on my own, and I'm horrified at the prospect of not seeing my new husband for a much longer period of time than I'm already planning.

But I suppose there's no use worrying. I just have to wait and see.

Friday, July 27, 2007

The Wedding

Day 5 of married life. I can't say things feel much different than they did before. It's still all kind of surreal.

Here's where we got married:

It's the home of my friend, Michael, and it makes a wonderful setting for any party, especially one following a wedding. Outside, there are two acres of fruit trees. Inside, it's like a museum filled with Asian sculptures and furniture. All of my friends, co-workers and bosses were mightily impressed. My sister-in-law thought the house belonged in a magazine.

This was my bouquet:

It was pretty much wilted and destroyed not even two hours after the ceremony. I left it at Michael's house. It's in the garbage or maybe even the dump by now. I guess I'm supposed to save the bouquet, but I'm getting rid of just about everything I own for the move, and I don't need a bunch of dead flowers weighing me down. Does that make me unsentimental? A cur?

The above is a photo of the bride and the groom. I like this photo because half of my face and most of my body are concealed. I don't think I looked very good that day, and I always think I look fat now.

We had a potluck reception. It turned out great, too, because we ended up with a huge table full of delicious food without having to pay a huge catering bill or slave over an oven for days and days. The night before, C* and I cut up some veggies for a veggie tray. The day of, I whipped up an artichoke dip and something called cowboy caviar (a dip with black eyed peas, a variety of veggies, etc), put out some bread and chips and trays of olives, pickles and banana peppers and we were set. No one drank the cheap beer we bought, so we returned it to the store the next day and got our money back.

The following is a sweet photo of C* and I after the ceremony. We stood in front of everyone for what felt like forever so everyone could snap photos. It was quite embarrassing. I didn't quite know what to do with myself.

And here's a photo of the whole clan. My brother and sis-in-law are on the left, then my dad, then C*, then me, my stepmom and C*'s brother:

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

First ultrasound

My first ultrasound was scheduled for Monday. Before the doctor's visit, I stood puking over my bathroom sink. I'm nauseous every day, but I hadn't vomited in days and I chalked this up to nerves. I'm already huge, and I was fearing twins or more. Plus, I hadn't yet seen what was actually inside there, and I was afraid it was some huge misshapen monster-like creature, already fully grown and sporting head-to-toe fur.

I was wrong.

There's a little baby in there. About 4 centimeters long, the ultrasound lady said. I saw them clearly: the head, the body, the two arms waving and the two legs kicking as if he or she were doing the backstroke. It was all at once amazing and terrifying. It's our baby. And we heard the heartbeat. Nice and strong. About 175 beats per minute. That's all we know about the health of it for now.

I have an appointment with a genetic specialist next Monday who will begin a round of bloodlettings to see if there's a high(er) risk for certain genetic diseases. This is another part of it all that terrifies me. I don't want to obsess, and for the most part I don't. But sometimes I have these strange doubts, these strange, horrible feelings that I could never produce anything healthy.

But I know I shouldn't think that way. It's just the negative part of my brain gaining the upper hand.

Sunday, July 22, 2007


I'm tired, and I've just woken up from a nap. C* and I had breakfast with my brother and sister-in-law and are now getting ready to take his brother bowling. So I'll just give a tiny update from yesterday. I'm a married woman now, and here is a copy of The Big Words that were spoken at 7 p.m. yesterday as thunder and lightning and a dark sky threatened to cut our brief ceremony even shorter.


When two people are at one
in their innermost hearts
they shatter even the strength of iron or bronze
And when two people understand each other
in their innermost hearts
their words are sweet and strong
like the fragrance of orchids.


C* and maarmie, you may now exchange vows.


I promise to give you, maarmie, the best of myself
and to ask of you no more than you can give.

I promise to respect you as your own person
and to realize that your interests, desires, and needs
are no less important than my own.

I promise to keep myself open to you,
to share with you my thoughts, my feelings, and my dreams.

And I promise to grow along with you,
to face, together, life's changes and to love you through good and bad.

I will laugh with you in times of joy and comfort you in times of sorrow
I will share in your triumphs and support you as you strive to achieve
I will listen to you with compassion and understanding
and speak to you with encouragement
To you, maarmie, I will forever remain faithful.

(C* puts ring on maarmie's finger.)

With this ring, I thee wed.


I promise to give you, C*, the best of myself
and to ask of you no more than you can give.

I promise to respect you as your own person
and to realize that your interests, desires, and needs
are no less important than my own.

I promise to keep myself open to you,
to share with you my thoughts, my feelings, and my dreams.

And I promise to grow along with you,
to face, together, life's changes and to love you through good and bad.

I will laugh with you in times of joy and comfort you in times of sorrow
I will share in your triumphs and support you as you strive to achieve
I will listen to you with compassion and understanding
and speak to you with encouragement
To you, C*, I will forever remain faithful.

(maarmie puts ring on C*'s finger.)

With this ring, I thee wed.


I, by virtue of authority vested under the laws of the State of Florida, now pronounce you husband and wife.

Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you.
May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years.
May happiness be your companion and your days together be good and long upon the earth.

You may kiss.

I now present Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Wedding march

In about 21 hours, I will be a married woman.

The rings are bought, the vows are written, the veggies are chopped, the dress is pressed and the flowers and candles are picked out. All that's left is to make a couple of dips, pick up the cake and assemble some food trays. What a relief tomorrow night will be when the vows have been read, the people have all eaten and the hoopla will be over. I'm looking forward to just settling in at my apartment with C* and watching a movie or something.

It's like we've been a married couple for years already. And that's not a bad thing at all, I must say.

Monday, July 16, 2007

10 weeks and counting

I had my first prenatal appointment at my OB/GYN's office this morning, then I gave blood to see if I carry the cystic fibrosis gene.

Because I am so old and decrepit, I am also being referred to a genetic specialist who will scare me into doing all kinds of tests to see if my baby is at risk of spina bifida, Down Syndrome and other horrible genetic diseases that would make me run out and have an abortion if I thought there was a serious chance my baby would have them.

And because I am so hugely fat (I weight 201!), I will be tested for my susceptibility to gestational disbetes. Lucky for me, my blood sugar has always been on the low side.


I have my first exam and ultrasound a week from today. I'm excited, but nervous. I've been told that, considering my size at 10 weeks, twins are a possibility. I told C* about this and he was ecstatic. Get it all over with at once, he said. "What makes you think I want more than one child?" I asked him. Argh!

At this moment, C* is in a plane hurtling over over the Atlantic Ocean. I can't wait to see him.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Interesting observation

It's interesting how a wedding can bring out the worst in people you thought were your friends, how some kind of fucked up issue in their own heads can stop them from being happy for you for even a minute.

But like one of my coworkers says, most people don't give a damn about anyone. Just be glad for the people in your life who do.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


11 - I will be married in 11 days.
8 - I am eight weeks pregnant.
2 - This is the second day I have gone without a cigarette.
24 - The number of hours I have had a headache.
6 - C* will be here in six days.
14 - C* will be here for two weeks.
40 - The approximate number of guests attending the wedding.
2 - The number of out-of-town friends who are making the journey.
5 - The number of family members who are coming.
1 - The number of family members I actually WANT to be there.

Only 11 days to go, and we still need to write our vows, finalize what we're going to wear, get the marriage license, buy some rings, finalize decorations (we still need flowers) and find out what everyone is planning on bringing for the potluck reception. We need to remember to pick up the cake, get some ice and make and bring some food. In the meantime, we need to entertain C*'s brother (coming in the day after C*) and make time for the beach. And not just any beach. Destin.

I won't let C* and his brother leave without a day-long trip to Destin, only the most beautiful beach in Florida. The water is clear as clear can be, and swimmers regularly spot dolphins and stingrays gliding through the surf. The sand is white and fine. And it's the perfect time to go, especially considering I own a big beach umbrella that will shade me from the misery that is a Florida summer.

Monday, July 02, 2007

This is the best I can do?

Mingle squared gave my blog an R rating.

Online Dating


I think I can do much better than that.

My pregnancy so far

Changes in my body abound in this 8th or 9th week of pregnancy, and most of it has been negative.

The pains in both sides of my abdomen have largely ceased (the doctor calls them "growing pains"), but my breasts are sore, my nipples are constantly hard, I often suffer night sweats and have trouble sleeping, I'm ALWAYS tired, I throw up about twice a day, I'm sometimes cranky and I'm incessently worried that I'm not eating healthy enough, that the cigarettes I've had have done irreparable harm, that I won't be a good enough mother, ad infinitum.

The up side is that the mood swings I have so far suffered haven't seemed to be any worse than my normal ups and downs. I stopped taking my anti-depressants, though, and, now that I've stopped smoking, it'll be interesting to see how my mood shifts from day to day, hour to hour and minute to minute. Already, C* has valiently withstood crying jags that have come from nowehere. I must say, he has handled me well so far. I hope the trend continues, and it's nice to know that I have an understanding partner to lean on when the hormones surge.

Baby names. We've had talks about them the last couple of days. Here's what we've come up with so far.

Girl names

Caitlan - means "pure"
Fallyn - means "in charge"
Hannah - means "grace"
Hunter - we've been thinking "Hunter Fallyn" for the first and middle names
Niamh (pronounced Nieve) - means "bright"
Nieve - means "snowy"

Boy names

Aeary - means "scholar"
Fallon - means "of a ruling family"
Flannery - means "descendant of the red warrior"
Fuller - means "cloth bleacher"
Harlow - means "from the mound of the people"
Nevan - means "holy"

I'm of a mind to find out if it's a boy or a girl well before it even thinks about being born. I want a girl, but, like I told the lady who had me fill out my paperwork at the eye doctor the other day, I won't put it up for adoption if it's a boy.

C* told The Boy about my pregnancy today. When he called me this morning, he said, "The Boy has something he wants to ask you."

"Okay," I replied suspiciously.

The Boy got on the phone. "Dad says you have a baby inside you. Do you?"

"Yes, I do," I replied.

The responding *gulp* was almost audible on the phone after which The Boy offered a hurried "OK" before practically throwing the phone back at his father.

"What did she say," I heard C* ask him in the background.

"She said, 'Yes, I do.' "

"He didn't believe me when I told him," C* revealed.

The Boy immediately asked if he could play video games on the computer. Were they his escape, or was he just not bothered? I'd be inclined to say he wasn't bothered, but you never know what's going through the mind of a young boy just after he finds out he's going to be a big brother.

C* will be here two weeks from tomorrow. The wedding is in just under three. I went dress hunting yesterday and was appalled at my dress size and the lack of anything tasteful-yet-fun-yet-not-too-revealing to wear for the wedding. The style of dress that I think would be most flattering is the babydoll style with wide sleeves, a high waistline and a full skirt that comes to the knee or just above. Kind of a modern hippie-style thing would suit me well. I found three of those at the mall yesterday that would have been good except for certain things wrong with each one.

One came in peacock colors that fit well in the tummy, arms and chest but needed to be about five inches longer. The thing barely came below my butt! Not good for a wedding.

Another one was dark in color with a nice pattern and length but fit poorly in the tummy and chest.

The third was just my style but not my size. They could order something closer to it from another store, but I'd have to pay for it up front and return it if it doesn't fit. Sounds like a hassle, but might be my only choice. I'm going to have a look around every day this week during lunch. I'm pretty flexible on what I'll wear. Could be a skirt and shirt, could be a dress. It just has to not make me look as fat as I am, and it has to be tasteful. Is that too much to ask?