maarmie's musings

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Keeping secrets

I have written about my parents a few times on here thoughout the years but have never before written in such detail. I've always been afraid that my parents would somehow find and read the blog posts and punish me for my insolence.

I've known for quite some time that I have been one step away from complete parental abandonment. The last time I tried to talk to my dad about my childhood, something he refuses to do, he responded by saying that he would stop talking to me if I ever brought it up again.

Fast forward at least a decade and here we are with no communication. I'm not quite sure why they aren't talking to me. I'm thinking it's one of 3 things:

1.  They found my blog and read previous unfavourable posts.
2.  They decided that since I'm safely stuck in Scotland, now would be a good time to finally detach once and for all with minimal muss or fuss.
3.  It was because of something I asked my brother to talk to my dad about after the last time my parents and I spoke. It was in January of this year after more than a year of no contact. Night after night, I couldn't sleep. I had written a letter to them letting them know that I desired no further relationship with them and why. I couldn't post the letter for some reason, so I decided to phone them. If they were nasty, I was going to just tell them on the phone. But they weren't nasty. Well, he wasn't nasty. She had a few snarky comments to make, but it went largely ok. Then time passed. One week. Two. And I became angrier and angrier the more I thought about that last phone conversation, one in which I shared details from the last couple of year of our lives - information the parents would and should have already had if they bothered to keep regularly in touch.

So, after a counselling session in which I ended up basically yelling about this phone conversation and my subsequent feelings about it, I decided that I didn't want any more similar conversations with them.

My stepmother was an easy target for my anger as she was the one who made snarky comments, but I couldn't really tell my dad that I didn't want to talk to my stepmother anymore. They come as a package deal, those two, him on one phone and her always listening in and adding a comment here or there on another. I have only very rarely had a conversation with just my dad. But I decided that I couldn't bear the two of them at once anymore, so I asked my brother to talk to my dad and tell him that I find it overwhelming to talk to the pair of them at once and that I'd prefer to speak to them individually. That was it. That's all he said. And my dad blew a gasket. And hasn't talked to me since.

Could that really be it? Could that be the reason he has decided not to have a relationship with his only daughter and his granddaughter? I guess I could understand him being angry if brother had told him that I couldn't stand stepmom and only wanted to talk to him from now on. But, really. To freak out because I asked to talk to them one at a time? It doesn't make sense.

Then again, nothing else about them makes much sense, either.

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