J: Back to you, maarmie, with more about the hurricane.
m: Thanks, John. This not just in but just being reported. President Bush isn't the only incompetent moron who bungled the Hurricane Katrina disaster in New Orleans. Sure, he didn't come off his important vacation for days after the city was on its way to being in ruins and thousands of people were dead and dying, but FEMA dropped the ball, too, by not responding in a diligent fashion. It seems FEMA director Michael Brown was more concerned about connecting with Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff to get the PR machine up and running again - to save the president the embarrassment he is due for his callous indifference to all this human suffering. Brown wasn't so much interested in damage control in New Orleans, John, but with damage control of the president's approval rating and with how the nation viewed his intense lapse of judgment. Bush rewarded Brown's quick action with a two thumbs-up at a press conference while the city drowned. The first lady, ever an astute observer and understander of the human condition, remarked that the poor people who were forced into the Superdome were faring much better there than they had been before Katrina struck. It's good to know that the top woman in this country cares so much about the health and safety of one of its most vulnerable populations.
J: maarmie, have you learned of any new developments?
m: No, John. I've had my head up my ass for the last week, so let me regurgitate what I've learned from Oprah and The Daily Show. You know, Jon Stewart is such a card.
J: Yes, he is.
m: Yes, indeed, he is.
m: Yes, indeedy. He is, isn't he?
J: (unsure) Yes. He is.
m: Yeah. That's what I thought. He's pretty funny.
J: (tense) Well, what did he say, maarmie? Our viewers want to know.
m: Well, John, the venerable Mr. Stewart came back from his own week of vacation and asked if anything had happened while he was gone. See? Funny stuff! Then, in Jon Stewartlike fashion, he excoriated the prez.
m: It's a verb, John, and it, apparently, has two definitions. But don't worry, John. Stewart didn't tear the skin off Bush. He denounced him. Yep, that's what he did.
J: He did?
m: Yeah. Wow. Oprah, on the other hand, took a more......conservative stance where blaming the government was concerned. She did a whole show on location in the affected areas, John. It was amazing. She did the show with her hair pulled back, and, get this! NO MAKEUP! She was one of us for a day, John. One of us.
J: (incredulous) One of us? That's amazing, maarmie.
m: Yeah. Truly. Truly, truly amazing, John.
J: (on the edge of his seat, eager for enlightenment) What did she say?
m: She rallied all her superstar friends together to give aid to those in need, John. They were all over the place down there. Matthew McConaughey, Lisa Marie Presley, Chris Rock. You name them, they were there. McConaughey has a thing for animals, see. And he flew in on a chopper and landed at this hospital in downtown New Orleans where an anesthesiologist was holed up with, like, 50 dogs, 18 cats and two hamsters. So. Cute. These doggie woggies were so cutie wutie and they had these big, sad eyes. They missed mommy and daddy.
J: (unsure) Cutie wutie?
m: So majorly cute, John.
J: Go on.
m: So he went to this hospital where the doc was holed up without electricity, food or water and took the animals out by boat so the doctor could get to safer ground. Not only did he hold and pet the animals, but he returned them to their rightful owners. That's a good soul, there, John. A good one.
J: Darn good. That's heartwarming, maarmie.
m: Yep. And the kid of the King of Rock was passing out food and diapers to those left homeless and in shelters, John. She went to Target HERSELF, John, and bought diapers, socks, T-shirts, toothpaste. Whatever she thought they would need. She spent thousands there. The camera showed the total while the lady was ringing stuff up.
J: Thousands? That's generous.
J: (on edge of seat again) And Chris Rock? What did he do? Did he entertain with one of his routines? They need a good diversion, you know.
m: Yeah, I know. A comedy routine would've been just what the doctor ordered, John. But he was so selfish that all he did was go talk to poor people left with nothing and pack box after box with food to pass out to the stranded.
J: (with disappointment) Oh.
m: That's all we have time for, now, John. When I get more news, you will, too.
J: Thanks a bunch, maarmie. (dripping with falsity with rueful eyes trained on the camera) In these trying times, we need to remember those less fortunate than ourselves. Even celebrities can forget their posh lives for at least a day to give so freely of themselves. Dear viewers, you can, too.
m: So true, John. So true.