maarmie's musings

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Dances with Nasty E-mails

Unfortunately, I have to send too many nasty e-mail messages to the men - er, boys - with whom I've had dealings recently. For those of you who are slow to catch on, "dealings" means "sex" or something resembling the onslaught - yes, I mean onslaught - of romance.

This is the latest nasty e-mail I've drafted for my latest fling. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure he's got a girlfriend - if that's any indication of just what a selfish prick he can be. He refers to said girlfriend as "a girl he's seeing" but they have sex without using condoms. That's more serious than marriage in my book, and I don't think he's ready for anything more serious than his weekly Dungeons & Dragons games, his Star Wars figurines, his daily 12-pack of Diet Mountain Dew and his science fiction festivals in Atlanta - his cell phone constantly hooked to his belt buckle, of course. I know this gives you an indication of exactly what kind of loser I see fit to fuck, but he's physically attractive, and, damn!, it's true: Bad sex is better than no sex.

There comes a time, though, when a line must be drawn.

---------------------------------------

K****,

I apologize for not picking up the phone last night or for calling you back. I was home, but I don't want to speak to you, and I don't want to see you.

I have many, many problems with the way you've acted, the way you've treated me, and the person you are. If possible, you are more immature than you were the last time I knew you. I hate the way you constantly grope all over me as if you were a horny 14-year-old, and I only put up with it thus far because I figured it would quickly end. But it hasn't, and you don't listen to me when I tell you to stop. That's really annoying. What's worse is that you know it bothers me, but you don't care.

Sex. You are the worst lover I've ever had. It's pretty sad that you think the night of passion has been a successful encounter if you managed to last longer than 3.2 seconds. Every time we have sex, I am left unsatisfied. Most times, I don't even orgasm. Sex is better with myself than with you. Maybe you need to stop trying so hard to do every position known to man and concentrate more on who you are with and how you can please her.

I told you I'm tired of disappointments. Several times now you haven't called when you said you would, you leave when you promise to stay, and you are either unwilling or unable to fulfill me sexually. Those are disappointments. I have been doing the math. Three strikes, baby. You're out.

5 comments:

Jeremy said...

As a guy, my response to this posting is...well, good job. Women need to come first (and often!). Though I will reserve comment on my own abilities as I'm out of practice at the moment. *sigh*

In fact, the only nit I have to pick is about the Diet Mountain Dew. I have a website about it. Wait, didn't I just imply I don't have a girlfriend right now? Hmm....(starts doing the math in his head). Crap. If you'll excuse me, I have a website to take down and a life to reclaim.

maarmie said...

Kudos on the comment! Glad to hear there's at least one mindful man out there. Question. From your profile and photo, you seem cute, cool, fun and interesting. Why, then, are you so obsessed with Diet Mountain Dew? I'll be in Minneapolis in June. Maybe we can meet up and you can put your money where your mouth is...or your mouth where your money is, whichever you prefer.

Jeremy said...

I'm building on someone else's analogy here, but imagine one day you stepped outside to find that all the grass in your yard had turned purple. You despise the color purple. Moreover, you found that all the grass in all the world had been changed purple because someone did a study that found that a small majority of people preferred purple grass. You will never lay eyes on green grass again. Why my yard? Why not give me a choice between purple or green? What about the very large percentage of us who loved green grass? It doesn't matter. Purple is the trendy color right now. A lot of people love it. Let's give it to them. Damn those that like green.

That is what PepsiCo has done to our beloved Diet Mountain Dew. It was really the only soft drink I enjoyed enough to drink on a daily basis.

Now assuming we don't have another big dustup, *grin* I think meeting up when you're in town would be fun. Or it will end in us in an all out cage match style brawl, tearing each other's hair out and toppling over Spoonbridge and Cherry. Either way, it'll be a great story. Rock on.

maarmie said...

Good analogy, but I still don't know how they have changed or are planning to change the taste of it.

Cage match-style brawls can be fun. Let the games begin!

Jeremy said...

Ahh...you wanted specific details about the change. Well it's only all the talk over at FightForFlavor.com (brought to you by afterglide). I love shameless self-promotion!

In any case, the primary change is the use of Splenda and Ace-K as sweeteners. Original formula Diet Mountain Dew primarily used aspartame. New Dew = shitty. Old Dew = euphoria