Unfortunately, I have to send too many nasty e-mail messages to the men - er, boys - with whom I've had dealings recently. For those of you who are slow to catch on, "dealings" means "sex" or something resembling the onslaught - yes, I mean onslaught - of romance.
This is the latest nasty e-mail I've drafted for my latest fling. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure he's got a girlfriend - if that's any indication of just what a selfish prick he can be. He refers to said girlfriend as "a girl he's seeing" but they have sex without using condoms. That's more serious than marriage in my book, and I don't think he's ready for anything more serious than his weekly Dungeons & Dragons games, his Star Wars figurines, his daily 12-pack of Diet Mountain Dew and his science fiction festivals in Atlanta - his cell phone constantly hooked to his belt buckle, of course. I know this gives you an indication of exactly what kind of loser I see fit to fuck, but he's physically attractive, and, damn!, it's true: Bad sex is better than no sex.
There comes a time, though, when a line must be drawn.
I apologize for not picking up the phone last night or for calling you back. I was home, but I don't want to speak to you, and I don't want to see you.
I have many, many problems with the way you've acted, the way you've treated me, and the person you are. If possible, you are more immature than you were the last time I knew you. I hate the way you constantly grope all over me as if you were a horny 14-year-old, and I only put up with it thus far because I figured it would quickly end. But it hasn't, and you don't listen to me when I tell you to stop. That's really annoying. What's worse is that you know it bothers me, but you don't care.
Sex. You are the worst lover I've ever had. It's pretty sad that you think the night of passion has been a successful encounter if you managed to last longer than 3.2 seconds. Every time we have sex, I am left unsatisfied. Most times, I don't even orgasm. Sex is better with myself than with you. Maybe you need to stop trying so hard to do every position known to man and concentrate more on who you are with and how you can please her.
I told you I'm tired of disappointments. Several times now you haven't called when you said you would, you leave when you promise to stay, and you are either unwilling or unable to fulfill me sexually. Those are disappointments. I have been doing the math. Three strikes, baby. You're out.