Try as I might, I can't seem to find the right birthday card or Mother's Day card to suit the shrew of a step-mother I am forced to endure. I have hated this woman since I was 15 or 16 years old, and Hallmark doesn't have a line of cards to excoriate the one you detest on that special day.
So, each year, I am forced to scan the rows and rows of pretty cards bearing flowers and syrupy rhymes extolling the virtures of this mother or that. They're never talking about MY mother, I can assure you: one who looks like a cross between Droopy the dog and a female Grinch. She is shrewd. She is crafty. She is mean. She has no boobs and no sense of humor, and she retired in her early 50s to spend her time being a professional homemaker and banker's wife.
I don't necessarily have any problems with homemakers, but this one doesn't have any kids to raise, and how many times can a floor be cleaned in a day? I have a vague suspicion she's living off the sweat of my father's brow while sitting around the house all day. When she retired, she said she'd maybe get a job as a cashier at a grocery store ("I've always wanted to do that. It looks like a fun job!") or benefit her community through volunteer work. She has yet to do either, and it's been years. When asked what she's been up to, she always offers only one word: "Things." I say, "Like what things?"
For her birthday on March 24, I found this perfectly benign card that can be taken any way she sees fit.
Blue flowers and the word "Mom"
"Wishing you the kind of birthday you deserve so much."