maarmie's musings

Friday, March 17, 2006

Hallmark Needs a New Line

Try as I might, I can't seem to find the right birthday card or Mother's Day card to suit the shrew of a step-mother I am forced to endure. I have hated this woman since I was 15 or 16 years old, and Hallmark doesn't have a line of cards to excoriate the one you detest on that special day.

So, each year, I am forced to scan the rows and rows of pretty cards bearing flowers and syrupy rhymes extolling the virtures of this mother or that. They're never talking about MY mother, I can assure you: one who looks like a cross between Droopy the dog and a female Grinch. She is shrewd. She is crafty. She is mean. She has no boobs and no sense of humor, and she retired in her early 50s to spend her time being a professional homemaker and banker's wife.

I don't necessarily have any problems with homemakers, but this one doesn't have any kids to raise, and how many times can a floor be cleaned in a day? I have a vague suspicion she's living off the sweat of my father's brow while sitting around the house all day. When she retired, she said she'd maybe get a job as a cashier at a grocery store ("I've always wanted to do that. It looks like a fun job!") or benefit her community through volunteer work. She has yet to do either, and it's been years. When asked what she's been up to, she always offers only one word: "Things." I say, "Like what things?"

"Oh. Things."

Whatever.

For her birthday on March 24, I found this perfectly benign card that can be taken any way she sees fit.

Exterior:

Blue flowers and the word "Mom"

Interior:

"Wishing you the kind of birthday you deserve so much."

Perrrrrfect!

11 comments:

D.G. T.B. said...

Are you fat?

maarmie said...

Nice question, jackass.

no-nuthin said...

maarmie's stacked

Sunny said...

No-nuthin left a comment on my blog--thanks, no--and I went to his blog which links to your blog, which is the bomb, and I'm not funny.

Your writing style rocks. I like it very much.

(If you do check out my blog, please excuse. It's pink & very cheesy. But it's also anonymous & the only place I can act like that, so it is what it is.)

I'm bookmarking you because you make me laugh.

maarmie said...

Thank you, sunny, for your kind words. It's rare that I get compliments around here. I can tend to be crass, but, as you say, it is what it is. I will make sure to check out your blog sometime.

d.g. t.b. said...

"Stacked"? As in, "stacked like a supermarket shelf"? Which aisle would that be, exactly? The one with with the fancy pet foods, or the one with the sanitary products?

d.g. t.b. said...

And another thing!

Are you surprised, "Maarmie," about the paucity of complimentary remarks? Given the amount of spleen involved in your postings, I would expect the fairest compliment you might expect would be "Congratulations on your well-phrased bile" or its ilk.

Your thoughts?

maarmie said...

It's my blog and I can bile if I want to. If you choose to take it 100 percent seriously, that's your business. You're obviously ignoring posts from months past that reflect a wide range of emotion. Oh. One more thing. You don't like it? DON'T READ IT!

d.g. t.b. said...

"Dearest" Maarmie, I often subject myself to things I don't like. Broccoli, for example. I'm no hedonist. See, if your head was green and clumpy (I don't know for sure that it's not, since you haven't seen fit to attach a portrait to your "profile"), I'd have another reason to "digest" your "food for thought." You'd be good fibre, and I'd look forward to excreting you daily.

Plus (I typed 'pus' at first, which given the subject matter, might have been more apropos: I so think pus to be a better description of your work than bile, which latter puts you up on something of an aesthetic pedestal to which you are hardly fitted), it's so HILARIOUS. Wouldn't want to miss out on your comedic take on subjects clearly so close to your blackened heart.

Nor you baring your quaint little breast in "public."

Oh, in case you're wondering, the quotation marks are meant to point out the "irony" of the statements above. I see you're clearly more attuned to sledgehammer "wit." Didn't want you to miss my self-critical intentions.

P.S. "I love you."

maarmie said...

The only thing that's interesting about you is that I seem to bother you so.

b.g. t.b. said...

Gee, that hurts. Ouch.