What I did while I was sick

I've been burning through my sick days lately thanks to a nasty little virus that's been terrorizing our office. I already thanked the knucklehead who must have given it to me (he's a lawyer - of course he's not to be trusted with an illness) and have been spending most of my time at my apartment for the last 11 days. That includes weekends, of course, but I've still demolished the 70-odd sick hours I've been sitting on.

With all that free time, you would think I would have accomplished something. I've been flirting with the idea of going to law school. Did I buy an LSAT book and start studying? Did I research law schools? I've been wanting a new job. Have I been checking my Internet sources for jobs in other states? That's a big N-O. Is it possible to actually decomplish things? To be so inert that not only do you stand still but that the tide actually drags you out and you find yourself lagging five miles behind where you once were? If so, that's what's happened to me during the last week. Just when I get into researching something on the Internet, I'm lulled back to my bed, drawn by a grown man making motorboat noises to a laugh track or Shannen Dougherty getting stalked by an ex-boyfriend on a movie made just for Lifetime. While it makes me happy to think of that nasty bitch getting shot in the back, I'm sure there are better things I could've spent the week doing other than:

Eating - a lot. Ice cream, sodas, salads, chips, chicken with broccoli and cheese, lasagna, tacos, cake, cupcakes, popcorn, Lean Cuisine, soup, bread, eggs, potatoes, turkey, Chinese food (my favorite: shrimp lo mein and two eggrolls/fortune: "Luck will visit you on the next new moon."), etc.

Reading - The first 480 pages of a book about a woman who, while on a bicycle trip with a friend, got run over in her tent and hacked at by a crazed hatchet guy in the late 70s in the Oregon desert. Crime never solved. Woman goes back to solve it herself 18 years later. A news magazine. That's it.

Shopping - New grip tape for my tennis racquets, new sports clothes for my Sporty Spice look I'm going for these days, shoes (I passed up on a CUTE pair of Sketchers), music (Cut Chemist/The Audience's Listening) and a DVD (PJ Harvey on tour/Please Leave Quietly)

Taking medicine - On top of my once-a-day Celexa, I've been popping Doxycycline for my cold/bronchitis/whatever, Polymyxin B Sulfate and Trimethoprim ophthalmic drops for my pinkeye, saline nasal spray for my stuffed up nose and lots and lots of Tylenol Cold capsules, Tylenol Sore Throat liquid (for day AND night) and Walgreens brand Nyquil crap so I can (kind of) sleep.

Watching TV and movies - I've watched men dive with great whites, bats avoid predators, Oprah spread her cheer and tears, Dharma act wacky against Greg's normality, Rory grow up and go to college, a home full of tacky broads vie for Flava Flav's attentions, Hef's girls throw him an 80th birthday party, Carlos Mencia do his thing, etc, etc, etc. I've never watched so much TV in my life.

It's turning my brain to mush.

I'm dumber than I was two weeks ago.

If that's even possible.

I'm going back to work Wednesday.

Even though I don't want to.

I have to get out in the real world.

That's why I hauled my ass to the laundromat today.

And did four loads of laundry.

So now I have clean underwear.

And clean sheets.

And clean grown-up clothes.

What? Oh, I gotta go. Doug and Carrie think they're pregnant, and Carrie's not happy about it. Not one bit.