I had dinner and a training session last night at the home of my friends who are going out of town for two weeks. I will be moving into their house for those two weeks to care for their pets, check their mail, bring in their newspapers, eat all their food, waste electricity, host a kick-ass party on the new deck in their backyard and make out with guys who mistakenly think their beautiful abode is mine all mine.
Last night, I learned where the doggie leash and collar are kept, where the dog and cat foods are kept and when/where to feed the two cats and one dog, rules for the animals (no cats on the kitchen counter, doggie sleeps in the kitchen), how to adjust the air conditioner and how to work the TV/VCR/DVD player. I also got a copy of the house key. On Tuesday, we will go over everything all over again, and I will be quizzed on collar essentials and walking the dog 101.
With every joke, I am making my friends more and more wary of leaving their beloved house and pets in my care. I joke about beating the dog into submission or poisoning her, locking the cats out of the house for the two weeks without food or water, setting the house on fire or posting their address on my blog and letting people know where the spare key is hidden outside. While I was at their house last night, I saw a pair of kitchen scissors that appeared to be top rate. I said, "Are these kitchen scissors? I've always wanted a pair of kitchen scissors. These are nice ones."
The man of the house replied that he'd be checking to make sure the kitchen scissors were still there when they got back. I assure my dear readers that if I was going to steal something, it wouldn't be a pair of kitchen scissors. Geesh!
All joking aside, my friends know they have nothing to worry about - though they pretty much accept the fact that I will be keeping the cats out of the house as much as possible and that the doggie will be sleeping with me the entire two weeks. Like I'd ever let that cutie patootie sweep on the kitchen fwoor! Aside from these major transgressions, that house will run like a well-oiled machine, and I will bask in the lap of luxury for two weeks. The down side is that I'll finally find out what I'm missing out on by not owning my own house and having a cutie patootie doggie woggie all my very own.