maarmie's musings

Monday, November 12, 2012


Last night, I had bad dreams.

That's nothing new or unusual. I have been having bad dreams my entire life. Sometimes, I wake up crying or talking, finishing the sentence in my dream as I'm waking up. Most times, I wake up with a deep feeling of unhappiness or dread. I'm not sure why I have bad dreams. Perhaps they are just my mind's way of playing out the negative thoughts that run through my head at various times throughout the day, of playing out the crushing disappointments, frustrations, and abandonment that I revisit and revisit and revisit.

Last night's dreams involve people being nasty to me. I can't go into details as I don't remember any, but some of it involved K****, and it had something to do with rejection.

I was just rereading old posts from 2007 and came across this one. It is making me very sad. I had forgotten that my dad laughed at me when I crapped out on my LSAT and then told me he was never talking to me again and hung up on me after I told him I didn't like him laughing at me. Interesting that some people think they can treat other people any way they want to but the other person isn't allowed to say anything about it. I guess it has to do with his perceived power and dominence over me. It's also pretty clear that there's a serious lack of love, regard, or respect for me as well.

I was telling a friend earlier that I know I just need to forget about my parents completely. But how do I do that? Can someone tell me how?


juliek57 said...

Hi, I have just been on to the Amida trust site, and caught up etc. Do you remember us chatting when I first joined quite a while ago now. Are you still interested in buddhism? I have a blog too, I think you can link on to it by this message. Love from Julie x

maarmie said...

Hi. No, I don't remember chatting. No, I don't really go to that Amida site anymore. The only reason I really went is that I met the Dharmavidya once in Florida. How are you? x

juliek57 said...

No, I am not sure what Amida is about, I must read the book again. I love the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, very down to earth. Did you go and see the Dalai Lama in Inverness, I would have loved to have gone. We were in Inverness in October, we had a weeks Holiday at a fantastic self catering house nr Beauly, where we hand fed the deer. Love from Julie xx

Chef_From_FL said...


Since our recent e-mail I've been reading some of your journal. I hope you don't mind. I wasn't going to comment on your blog, but I saw this post and I just wanted to give a few words of encouragement.

My relationship with my parents has been problematic at best. Although I've been able to reconcile with my father over much of what problems were caused by him being an absentee parent, I've gotten to the point where I've informed my mother I don't want to be in contact with her again. With the way she lorded over my life and used sarcasm to cut deeper than any knife could, I want to protect any child of mine from being exposed to this same influence in the future. I just wanted to know that I can certainly understand and relate to you're feelings with parents.

When your father laughed at your LSAT score results was unconscionable and unforgivable. Parents should always try to encourage their children to succeed, and to help get them back up and on the horse when they fall short of their dreams.

Cutting a parent out of your life is hard because when you were a child, you viewed them pretty much like gods. Even though we're adults now, we're programmed from childhood to seem them as this ultimate authority figure. But, you have to ask yourself, is the hurt I experience having them around worth any positive benefit I (or my family) would get by allowing them to be part of my life?

In the end, as I've gotten older, I've had to relearn and redefine the word "family". Although I'm still "close" with my father and brother, I have close friends now that are closer to me than many of my family members, and a friend's mother that has been more of a mother to me than my own over the past several years.

If you have close friends there in Scotland you can turn to for comfort and you know they will be there when you need help, then they are your REAL family. A real family protects each other and does nothing to tear each other down, but instead tries to lift each other up in order to help them become the ideal person they can and want to be.

As I've mentioned, I wish you nothing but the best this life can bring you and your daughter, and hope that you find the happiness you've deserved for some time.

maarmie said...

I agree. Thanks!