Letter #1

Midnight

Dearest Julie,

I've been thinking about you all day, missing you. Things are weird and I'm alright. Everything is crumbling and somehow there is this quiet assurance that everything will turn out for the best. Guess I'm used to the crumbling, or the eventuality of it, and everything always does turn for the better.

Opted to take a class this semester at J.C., creative writing. Excited about it too. Hope to take a class or two each semester and maybe by the time I'm retirement age I'll have an AA in something less mundane than it already is. New avenues, different doors to walk through, new people to experience, new minds to share with.

Went to Tennessee with my friend Tandy and camped with her ex's family. Kentucky and Tennessee country people - some with the ageless wisdom found in the hills and others with a Bubba mentality. Spent the entire weekend taking notes and came up with a brief descriptive narrative. I'll send a copy along. Julie, Talmage captured my interest...and my heart. Strangely enough, Tandy went back up again last weekend and Grandma sent back some little plants from her garden for me. She also told Tandy to tell me that the pothos cuttings were from Talmages grave. I didn't even discuss Talmage with her but think somehow she became aware of my fascination (compassion, empathy, feelings) for her first born. Grandma is something special. She possesses such clarity and wisdom of human nature - and acceptance thereof.

Eric suffered a small catastrophe - his car caught on fire. The fire department had to put it out, it was that bad. He's freaking now. His freedom went down the tubes. But...he has a great attitude otherwise and is grateful for what he does have. His actualization of the desire to go to school is quite a bit further off now but maybe he needs this time to grow so he can accept the responsibilities of college. All I know is that everything DOES happen for a reason and that reason will be revealed somewhere down the road.

As for me - I've learned that I'm not a master at relationships - never was and that I'll spare some poor boob, that may happen to be attracted, a great deal of pain - by travelling alone. I'm happier that way in the long run 'cause I don't compromise well and do detest putting myself in a vulnerable position with the "enemy" - effectively blocking intimacy. Don't know whether I'm not capable - or just don't want to. Either way, it's best I cruise solo.

Are you even interested in all this?

I'm just cruising along in my little brain warp, typing my feelings to you and I don't even know if there's any interest. But somehow I know if anyone understands me, it's you.

Guess I am forced to leave the life of "do as I want when I wish" and get a job. Doesn't really matter or cut into my writing time. Inspiration usually ignites about midnight. My brain is semi-comatose all day but the wee hours activate that convoluted blob. With the job of cleaning 301 (my AA building) and a part time thing, I'll be OK and still have time to wander. God Julie, I'll probably be a bag lady when I grow up.

I miss your letters, articles, and you. Are you OK? Depressed? Happy? Pensive? Is your brilliant mind engaged in anything that brings you joy? Are you and Garreth doing well? Will you share your thoughts with me? You are beautiful and dear, my dear. I love you...and still plan to come see you. Please write.

Love,
Janine