maarmie's musings

Thursday, November 15, 2012

More dreams

I dreamt last night that I was being fired from a job from which I was actually fired, a public relations agency in Tallahassee, all over again - a dream I have on a periodic basis. In the dreams, I am ultimately rehired and then sit there for the rest of the dream in a panic worried and wondering if I've got what it takes to keep working there and not just be fired all over again - and again - and again - and again. I'm so tired of this dream. One: it feels so real every time I dream it. Two: The actual firing from this place was over-the-top traumatic and resulted in therapy, antidepressants, and a PTSD diagnosis. For anyone who has never had PTSD, I don't recommend it. It's not fun.

The other night, I dreamt that C* and I were breaking up all over again, this just on the eve of me turning in my application for legal aid that will cover the cost of our divorce. I'm just wanting this whole mess to be over, for me and C* to finally be once and for all completely over. Like most other things in my life, marriage was one complete and utter disappointment, a mistake I am most unlikely to ever repeat.

I can confidently say that I have absolutely no plans of future marriage or of even ever being in a romantic relationship again. I have come to realise that I'm just not cut out for it, and my expectations are just really, really out of this stratosphere these days. Considering these expectations and going on past experience, I don't see myself ever liking someone else enough to want them around ALL THE TIME - hogging the remote, expecting me to clean up their messes, taking time and attention away from my daughter, demanding that I put up with their shoddy treatment. It's just not in me anymore. I simply don't have the energy.

That said, my life will be simpler but perhaps more lonely and certainly filled with considerable financial strains and hardships. Ah, well. What's a girl to do?

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