maarmie's musings

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Butter, be gone!

Almost half a lifetime of smoking has left me with black lungs, a damaged heart, less money in my pocket and butter-yellow teeth. Now that I don't smoke anymore, time will fix my heart, lungs and pocketbook. Those whitening strips will hopefully fix my teeth.

I love to kiss, and I'm assuming it's not that appealing to zero in on someone's lips when brownish yellow teeth are poking out between them. Who would want to move their tongue over teeth that look like they haven't been brushed in years or belong in the trap of someone who lives in Europe? I wouldn't know, because a tooth fetish leads me always and only to men who have perfectly straight and perfectly white teeth, the pointier the canines the better.

Anyway, I bought a tooth whitening kit at Target on Saturday. Two half-hour applications a day for seven days. Repeat the entire process a second time, if desired. Touch up every six months. I just finished my 10th application, and I will document my progress here. I don't really have a "before" photo as the first image was captured after three applications. But, since the butter is so thick I have enough to spare for popcorn, this photo will do nicely, anyway.

I'm not sure a difference can be noticed here (both photos taken in the bathroom with the light on, no flash), but my teeth are definitely a couple of shades whiter, at least. Anyone wanna make out? Most of my teeth are all natural. I've never even had braces.

After 3 applications:

After 10 applications:


chumly said...

Took me 5 years before I stopped coughing after I quit. Have not smoked in over 16 years. Now if I can kick this chocolate and coffee habit, I'd be fine.

chumly said...

Took me 5 years before I stopped coughing after I quit. Have not smoked in over 16 years. Now if I can kick this chocolate and coffee habit, I'd be fine.

ceci n'est pas mon nom said...

Oh dear, what's this "belong in the trap of someone who lives in Europe" business? Coming from an American, this makes me fear a gobsworth of "surgical strikes" against our poor, old-European, dentally-deficient democracies in less time than it takes to spit tobacco in the face of a cowboy ...

maarmie said...

It's supposed to be a joke, but I guess you are taking offense. I guess it's widely thought that Europeans aren't obsessed with dental hygeine like us cowboys in the US of A. Seriously. We worship our teeth as if they were tiny, little chicklet-sized deities.

And you can't fool me. I've seen Thom Yorke's teeth. Ugh!

Annie said...

I can't help but think that teeth whitening is the newest marketing success story.

But yes, your teeth do look a little whiter.

I have seen people who didn't know when to stop using those products - and their teeth looked so white they seemed artifical. Don't go that far or you'll have a whole new problem to work on.

maarmie said...

I know what you mean. I have a friend who says she had her teeth whitened at the dentist (from what she said a very expensive and very painful ordeal) but her teeth look like dentures. First of all, I thought they were caps because her top teeth were huge and perfectly white. I don't remember them being that big. Every time I talk to her, I can't help but stare at her teeth when she talks. They are so huge, so white, so fake looking. I still accuse her of having dentures.

ceci n'est pas mon nom said...

Noooooo! No offense was being taken, teeth being ground, or tongues being stuck out, only (but in an evidently unsuccessful kind of way) a little ironic lump of butter being upped. Good luck with the kissin'!