maarmie's musings

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Feats of strength

I know my life is getting ready to implode when I wake up in the middle of the night lying in a puddle of my own urine. When bad things are happening and a part of me knows it but a more controlling part of me wants to deny it or hasn't caught on yet, I wet the bed. I'm 34 years old, and I still wet the bed at least once a year. Any guys out there really turned on by me yet?

It happened last night. At 2:30 a.m., I woke out of a horrifying little dream involving someone I know - something involving a money-making opportunity she stole from me and used herself and wasn't willing to let me be part of it, lots of fighting, anguish and sadness going on in the dream. I couldn't take it. When I woke up, I was mid-pee. After a trip to the bathroom and a changing of the sheets, I went back to sleep only to suffer more unpleasant dreams.

Something big is happening, but I don't know what yet. Some kind of huge transition. I'm nervous, but I feel OK about it. I feel pretty strong and happy with myself. I am dealing better and better with loss. I seem to be more able to handle shifting circumstances and change. I think I am more able to stand alone now if that's what's required. It sucks being alone, not having anyone to rely on. But it's better to be in that situation than to constantly rely on people who are hurtful or who don't really have my best interests at heart.

I guess now I'll have the chance to rely only on myself and see if I'm as strong as I think I am.

8 comments:

Annie said...

I know this is a bummer. You are linking it to stress but it could also be a sign of diabetes. Why not get checked out?

maarmie said...

I just had a full blood panel a few months ago. I am in better than fine shape.

Jeremy said...

While you know me to be rather skeptical and cynical about many things, I am also a firm believer that dreams are the subconscious mind's way of working out problems or making connections between events in your life. Sometimes the results are entertaining, but other times, as you know all too well, they are terrifying.

palinode said...

You're moving to Canada and renting an apartment in our building so you can hang out with me and Schmutzie. Yes, it's a big transition, but that's what's in store for you.

maarmie said...

Is that so? Hm. I've looked into moving to Canada before. I remember there were certain requirements, but it didn't seem impossible. Yesterday, I actually wrote the Dharmavidya who has repeatedly invited me to join his Buddhist order and told him I'm considering the move to England or Hawaii (the sites of two of their buildings). I need to do something. Go somewhere. It's nice to know Canada is an option - if, indeed, you were serious...

: )

savia said...

Of course he's serious. And I'll bring over a housewarming present, too. A nice one.

maarmie said...

: )

squidley said...

England, Hawaii, or Canada. Hmmm...

The Church of England is considering removing St. George as its patron saint because Moslems--people who aren't even part of the C of E--don't like St. George. The English want to destroy their once-proud heritage, and give their country away to unassimilable foreigners who also want to destroy the country.

Hawaii, where the Democrats are the entrenched party of the elite, and radical native Hawaiian activists have taken of the debate on native Hawaiian rights. Did you know that they want to secede from the US and form their own race-based country? I used to live in Hawaii, and while it's beautiful, the culture is nepotistic and anti-democratic. I don't want to move back.

Canada, eh? Where the police (who reflect society at large) are so PC that they can't even think, much less mention, the "M" word when they arrest a bunch of Moslems who were plotting to behead the PM?

While I understand your desire for a change, and your wish to move, I can't recommend any of the places you're considering. Maybe what you're seeking is not so much a change of external scenery as internal scenery. More difficult, yes, but probably more beneficial in the long run.