My wife is a faithful reader of your blog. She has tried to get me to read it, but I don't want to. You are way too sarcastic for my taste, and you seem to have some kind of problem with men. I wouldn't even be writing you, but I need your advice.
My wife has a big mouth in her head just like you. She is stubborn and has a mind of her own, and she gets really mad when she thinks I'm not treating her right. Her biggest complaints are that I try to tell her what to do too much and that I get loud with her when she doesn't listen.
We have been married for nine years. I am eight years older than her and when we first met and got married, she seemed to look up to me for advice about problems with jobs and friends. Now, she never asks for advice, and she rarely listens to me if I give it to her anyway. It makes me so mad that I start screaming at her, and it always ends up with her crying her stupid eyes out. It seems we fight all the time now that she reads your damn blog.
First off, go to hell. Second off, what should I do? All this arguing gets me more mad, and my throat is sore from all this yelling.
All Tuckered Out
Sturgis, South Dakota
Dear All Tuckered Out,
First of all, I want to congratulate your wife for having such a big mouth in her head. I'm sure that's the only way she has managed to cope with your lame ass for, what, nine fucking years? I would've either pressed divorce papers in your hand or pushed a fucking bullet through my head by now. But, whatever. To each his (or her) own.
Let me guess. You and your wife have a traditional type of marriage. She scrubs the shit stains out of your underwear, cooks you dinner every night, makes your bed every morning, lets you have command of the remote and plays dead every other day so you can hump her, right?
The man is the head of the household in your home, 'aint that right, buddy, and that's how it's a gonna stay, goddammit! But all this inequality isn't enough for you, is it? It doesn't secure your place in the home enough, does it? You just can't live unless you feel like you control every damn thought that runs through her brain, right? Your insecurity runs so deep that you wish you could see into the future and head her off at every pass, right? Do you have a hard on just thinking about it?
Tip #1: Shut the fuck up. Tip #2: I'm assuming your wife is an adult, so treat her like one. Tip #3: Shut the fuck up. Tip #4: Scrub out your own shit stains sometime. Tip #5: Shut the fuck up. Tip #6: Lay off her. If she ever writes me and I find out she's still crying because there's a bully breathing down her neck, I'm a gonna have to pay a visit to Sturgis, you verbally abusive piece of garbage.