maarmie's musings

Monday, April 10, 2006

Dear maarmie #1

Dear maarmie,

My wife is a faithful reader of your blog. She has tried to get me to read it, but I don't want to. You are way too sarcastic for my taste, and you seem to have some kind of problem with men. I wouldn't even be writing you, but I need your advice.

My wife has a big mouth in her head just like you. She is stubborn and has a mind of her own, and she gets really mad when she thinks I'm not treating her right. Her biggest complaints are that I try to tell her what to do too much and that I get loud with her when she doesn't listen.

We have been married for nine years. I am eight years older than her and when we first met and got married, she seemed to look up to me for advice about problems with jobs and friends. Now, she never asks for advice, and she rarely listens to me if I give it to her anyway. It makes me so mad that I start screaming at her, and it always ends up with her crying her stupid eyes out. It seems we fight all the time now that she reads your damn blog.

First off, go to hell. Second off, what should I do? All this arguing gets me more mad, and my throat is sore from all this yelling.

All Tuckered Out
Sturgis, South Dakota

Dear All Tuckered Out,

First of all, I want to congratulate your wife for having such a big mouth in her head. I'm sure that's the only way she has managed to cope with your lame ass for, what, nine fucking years? I would've either pressed divorce papers in your hand or pushed a fucking bullet through my head by now. But, whatever. To each his (or her) own.

Let me guess. You and your wife have a traditional type of marriage. She scrubs the shit stains out of your underwear, cooks you dinner every night, makes your bed every morning, lets you have command of the remote and plays dead every other day so you can hump her, right?

The man is the head of the household in your home, 'aint that right, buddy, and that's how it's a gonna stay, goddammit! But all this inequality isn't enough for you, is it? It doesn't secure your place in the home enough, does it? You just can't live unless you feel like you control every damn thought that runs through her brain, right? Your insecurity runs so deep that you wish you could see into the future and head her off at every pass, right? Do you have a hard on just thinking about it?

Tip #1: Shut the fuck up. Tip #2: I'm assuming your wife is an adult, so treat her like one. Tip #3: Shut the fuck up. Tip #4: Scrub out your own shit stains sometime. Tip #5: Shut the fuck up. Tip #6: Lay off her. If she ever writes me and I find out she's still crying because there's a bully breathing down her neck, I'm a gonna have to pay a visit to Sturgis, you verbally abusive piece of garbage.


Jeremy said...

I'm sorry, but why was this worth responding to?

-He's obviously just trying to get a rise out of you, and it worked.

-He's not going to listen to any advice you give him anyway.

Carlos said...

You're the female version of a chauvinist. You're no better than the men you despise. Therapy is not helping if you're seeking it, and if you're not, you should. A witty comic once said, "ladies, if you're over 30, and still unmarried and bitching about how all guys are shit, baby... it's you".

maarmie said...

Thank you, Carlos, for your deep observations. It's sad that you obviously don't understand the point I'm trying to make. Perhaps you need to read further back in my blog before you make an assessment of me (and an ass of yourself) based on one post.

Kant said...

Hey maarmie. Getting caught up. Man, you've posted a lot lately...

I think that the letter from "All Tuckered Out" is bogus. The person who wrote it put way too many things in there that made them look like the kind of idiot whose wife should be unhappy with them. If the letter is not bogus, then Tuckered does need to get his perspective straightened out a bit and maybe his problems will go away magically.

That said, maarmie, you did get a little off topic with him. When you start rambling about shit stained underwear, when they never brought up shit stained underwear, it frames your reaction in a way that undermines it.

maarmie said...

You are correct. I really flew off the deep end this time. This lovely yet misguided man wrote to me seeking legitimate advice, and I failed to respond constructively. I promise to do better next time.