Who Knew Love Came in 20 Flavors?

It's pretty sad that a famous multi-millionaire can't manage to score a cheap piece of ass to call his own even after 20 money- and fame-hungry women threw themselves at him, fucked him and fought over him for all the world to see on a reality show on VH1.

Public Enemy's Flavor Flav needs some lovin', Boyeee!, and was pathetically willing to make his desperation known to the drooling masses (including myself) on his very own "Bachelor"-like series, "Flavor of Love." And what a catch these 20 women were in their cheaper-looking-than-a-porn-star garb and with their obviously insincere professions of love for one of the ugliest men known to exist. I mean, really. Gold teeth? Nappy hair? Those clothes. That body! The fucking clocks? I don't think any amount of money in the world could get me to stick my tongue in his mouth or let him stick anything of his in me, but all these women were willing to do it for even a chance at becoming the next Mrs. Flav.

I've got to hand it to Flavor Flav, though. Considering all his bad choices throughout the series - excusing some who seemed halfway normal and keeping others for their cup sizes or willingness to, both literally and metaphorically, kiss his ass - he ended up picking the right girl: the pretty and athletic young thing he nicknamed "Hoops" at the beginning of the series. She was smart. She was sassy. She spoke her mind. She appeared geniune. And the fact that she dumped him after the series ended lets me know she has at least some sense.

Hoops was one of the few women on the show who refused to get into attack mode against the others in this dog-eat-dog competition. There was screaming. There was cursing. There were accusations. There was tattling. There was even spitting. During the second-to-last episode after "Pumpkin" - one of the last three left - got the boot, the skeezy trash-talking "New York" started running her mouth. Apparently having nothing to lose, Pumpkin figured the timing was right to launch some of her saliva at New York's face. The attack seemed pretty fitting to me considering the nature of the show and the personalities of the women involved.

Ranking at one notch above "Jerry Springer," "Flavor of Love" is entertainment at it's almost least finest. If you missed it, don't worry. Since Flav didn't find what he was looking for the first time around, there's talk of a "Flavor of Love" part II.