maarmie's musings

Thursday, April 27, 2006

My burrito tried to buy steroids from Greg Valentino but got busted

My former MO after work used to sometimes include rolling through the Xaxby's drive thru for a chicken finger plate that I'd inhale in 10 seconds or less upon arriving home, changing clothes, turning on the TV and popping open a wide assortment of sauces. Obviously, chowing down on fried chicken fingers, garlic bread and french fries amounts to a certain kind of gluttony that doesn't fit into my new diet plan, but I've recently decided that an occasional "homewrecker" burrito does.

The "homewrecker," as they call it, is a lovely species of burrito. It's a ginormous flour tortilla stuffed with rice and black beans, chicken (or beef or steak), sour cream, hot sauce, guacamole, tomatoes, lettuce and cheese. I've had two of those this week after 12-hour days at work and would have added a photo of last night's lovely burrito here...




...but I ate the whole thing before I even thought about taking a photo of it. So much for chewing slower so I don't overeat.

The lady who made last night's burrito for me must've been new. The more experienced burrito construction workers would have known better than to try to stuff THAT much chicken, rice, beans and veggies into the tortilla for fear of decreasing the burrito's maximum chance of successful closure. My burrito had closure, but the standard piece of foil they use to wrap the whole deal in wasn't near big enough to fully enclose it. Lucky me. *urp*

I'm saying that my burrito must have been on steroids to segue into a mindless yet enthralling bit of television that captured my attention last night and prompted me to produce a fine piece of artwork I will no doubt sell on e-bay later for a kajillion smackeroos. I was drawn into the show by the fact that it was on The Learning Channel. I stayed because it was titled The Man Whose Arms Exploded. You can't turn away, either, can you?

The star of the show was an idiot named Gary Valentino whose only goal in life for nearly 20 years was to win various muscle man competitions where muscly and manly types appear on stage in a little bitty bikini and flex what they've got for the judges. His regular bodybuilding routine wasn't enough to give him the kind of ripples, bumps, lumps and veins he wanted, so he turned to steroids.

Steroids created for him the largest biceps in the world (literally!) that looked like beavers fighting under the skin on top of and underneath each arm. Standing at 5'6", he liked his new look, he said, because it got him a lot of "attention" and "respect" at bars.

After several years of heavy workouts and steroid use, though, HIS BICEP FOUGHT BACK!

An infection in his right bicep made it all red and swollen and full of pus. He tried to operate on himself by stabbing a hypodermic needle into the swollen area over and over again, filling up glasses with blood and landing himself on a surgeon's table. Surgery to fix the whole deal left a huge dent smack in the middle of his right bicep. His career was over. Boo. Hoo. The following digital drawings are lifelike portraits of Valentino both before the infection and after the surgery.

7 comments:

Jeremy said...

Aww...his arm boob is all messed up. Stabbing yourself with a needle instead of going to the doctor smacks of Darwinism. If he died of the infection, he could have won an award!

maarmie said...

I'm glad SOMEONE is commenting on my drawings. It took me at least 15 minutes to precisely capture the ecstasy - and the agony - of Valentino's ordeal.

Annie said...

I didn't see the television show. But when I read your post I wondered if he was inspired to bulk up because he was a wannabe lover-boy, given his name Valentino. And then I wondered if the steroids caused his testicles to atrophy, as I hear they do. This whole story, and possible story, is irony itself.

maarmie said...

I think he was inspired to bulk up because too many big, hulking kids kicked sand in his face on the elementary school playground. I'm sure after he bulked up, his testicles shriveled up, and now he probably can't get it up.

Maarmie's Boss said...

I may not know art, but I know I like what I see. I'll start the bidding at 5 bucks.

maarmie said...

Do I hear 10?

maarmie said...

Do I hear 10?