maarmie's musings

Friday, May 26, 2006

I need people to send me penis jokes or I may lose my one friend and then both my feelings will be hurt

I just got off the phone with my one and only friend who said he wants me to make him laugh more on my blog. He said he is tired of hearing about my asshole and that he is frustrated because he can never tell if I'm being serious or if I'm trying to be funny here and that if he gets tired of reading what I write, he might unbookmark my site.

I'm really quite sad now. You see, he's my only friend. Not only did he threaten our friendship, but he threatened to tell my boss about my blog if I don't make a funny ha-ha. I offered him a knock-knock joke, but he wouldn't hear of it. Penis jokes, he said, are what he wants. I'm out of luck, dear readers (if I have any left) because I don't know any penis jokes. Now I am at your mercy.

Someone, anyone who has a penis joke, please e-mail me it/them or send it/them in a comment. My job and my friendship are depending on it. Plus, I was planning on asking said friend to marry me when he graduates from law school. I have a feeling he'll reject my proposal if I don't offer him at least 10 penis jokes. I feel like such a hostage.


Chris said...

I don't perform well under such pressure.

maarmie said...

You're not helping...

Jeremy said...

I'm usually more of a snarky comment and random observation person in my humor, but I'll give it a shot...

Jon decides to show his devotion to his wife, Wendy, and gets his penis tattooed with her name. Unfortunately, when he's flaccid, only the letters 'W' and 'Y' are visible.

One day on the drive home from a business trip, Jon needs to relieve himself and pulls into a rest stop. A black guy is at the urinal next to him. Jon accidentally glances over and notices the black guy also has 'W' and 'Y' on his penis. Forgetting himself, Jon blurts out, "Is your wife's name Wendy, too?" A confused look crosses the black guy's face. Embarassed, Jon explains his own tattoo of his wife's name. "No, no, no, mon!" says the black guy. "Mine says, 'Welcome to Jamaica--have a nice day'"

Ba-dum-bum!!! Eh...that's all I've got.

Anonymous said...

Three guys die and go to hell.

When they arrive, the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

"Whatever your fathers' jobs were, that's how I'll remove them," he says.

So he calls over the first guy. "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw."

To the second guy he says, "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off."

As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.

"Why are you smiling?"

The man replies, "My father was a popsicle maker."

Bob Gabradi said...

A wife suspects that her husband has been cheating on her. He comes home one night, with a duck under his arm.

"Well, I just wanted to show you the pig I've been f--king."

"That's perverted and you're an idiot," she says. "That's not a pig."

"Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

maarmie said...

OK. I've got two great penis jokes, and Bob has given me some kind of chauvenist wife-hating joke. I'm not sure if that counted as a PENIS joke, per se, but, um..., good try?

I just need 7.5 more! Pretty please!?

Chris said...

This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little
boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is
your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No."

"Then you can't have one."

A while later, the granddad
pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No."

"Then you can't have one."

Later on, Grandpa and Grandson
go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000"

Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?"

"Yes," Says grandpa.

"Then go fuck yourself!"

maarmie said...

Now THAT is funny! Thanks!