maarmie's musings

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I'll have a bran and colonic

Now that I'm doing this whole lifestyle change that involves lots of exercise, no smoking or drinking and a ton of fiber, fruits, water and raw veggies, I will soon be looking for a way to push the envelope. With me, it's black or it's white, all or nothing. Right now, the switch is set at "all" which will soon lead me to the office of Dr. Ayala who will get to know a part of me that only a couple of men are intimately familiar with.

Normally, holistic health care practices turn me off, but I think there are merits to scraping out a clogged colon. Besides, I can't think of anything better to do on a lazy summer afternoon than lie on a table with a tube shoved up my butt, warm and cold water blasting through my colon to loosen and carry out caked-on waste that is supposedly poisoning my body, according to Dr. Ayala.

Are you sluggish? Depressed? Constipated? Do you have diarrhea? Insomnia? Indigestion? Headaches? Do you fart a lot? Have bad breath? High blood pressure? Low blood pressure? Plagued by obesity? These could be symptoms of a colon packed to the rectum with dead cells, chemicals, air and water pollutants, hormones, pesticides, additives, waxes, dyes, preservatives, coloring, irradiation and acid residues.

To do this, I'll need to shell out $95 for an "intake session," which includes a chat with the "doctor" to figure out what my problems are and what treatment plan to follow. Each colonic session lasts about an hour and costs, on average, $85. Of course, eight or more treatments are recommended as are other treatments including one that supposedly improves hearing and vision called "ear candling."

Yeah.

OK.

Can't wait to find out what that's all about.

5 comments:

Chris said...

Skip it and go have some Thai food. That'll clean you right out.

maarmie said...

Hm. That wouldn't work considering I think I'm just horny and I've already had my gynecological exam.

Annie said...

YIKES!!!!!

jlrosica said...

I gotta say: Enough with the all-things-excretory obsession.

maarmie said...

Ah! Monsieur Rosica speaks! I still have practically the whole bottle of JD. I miss you.